How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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