Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
