i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
