dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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