The maid of honor just puked.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Two words: nipple clamps
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