Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my being single is dangerous.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
