I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
