im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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