I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
