How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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