Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
