My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
