Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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