Don't you send me to vm
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
