We won't sleep together?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
