i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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