Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
