I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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