Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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