3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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