I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
