im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
