No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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