don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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