if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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