You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
