I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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