I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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