shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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