The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
