sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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