I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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