You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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