We need to rekindle our bromance
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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