Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
