Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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