Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
