got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
