Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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