i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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