birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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