at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
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my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
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Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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