i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
