The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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