i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
