Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
