I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
