i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
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Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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