He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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