Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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