I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize