i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
