These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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