WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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