What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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