Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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